


Then Am I, A Happy Fly

by doctorguilty



Category: Smile For Me (Video Game)
Genre: Lucilia takes the place of flower kid but is not flower kid, M/M, Post good ending, an exploration of mental illness and trauma, i'll update with more tags as i go tbh im not very planned out where im going, probably gonna be a lot of bittersweet
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-15
Updated: 2019-09-15
Packaged: 2020-10-19 02:14:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,311
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20649533
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/doctorguilty/pseuds/doctorguilty
Summary: After confronting and calming Dr. Habit during the Big Event, the anxious little man named Lucilia returns to his lonely apartment, with high hopes (and small fears) he'll ever hear from the doctor ever again.CW: mentions of violence, mentions of suicidal ideation





	Then Am I, A Happy Fly

**Author's Note:**

> This is just a self indulgent exploration of emotions... I'm not sure how much I'll be doing but I wanted to imagine what my self-insert's post game would look like. It's mostly for personal comfort; Idk how much it'll be interesting to anyone else. 
> 
> Lucilia is a small, mentally ill and socially anxious man. In my self-ins au, he takes the place of flower kid, but does not have the same backstory. He's not a flower delivery person, but rather a depressed Habitician with a fanboyish crush on Dr. Habit seeking to alleviate his loneliness, but ends up helping everyone else and leaving sadder than how he came. 
> 
> His name is the scientific name for a green bottle fly, which more important to his character than it might sound. 
> 
> Oh and the title comes from one of my favorite poems, The Fly by William Blake!

It had been three months since the Big Event.

Three months since meeting the deranged doctor named Boris Habit.

Three months since leaving the “mental health retreat” minus 2 perfectly good teeth and more trauma than Lucilia had started with.

The young man stared blankly at his computer screen.

In his gut he knew he should stop rereading the breakup message he'd gotten three months from his now-ex girlfriend that sent him into the depressive spiral he had in the first place—the reason he ended up in a “mental health retreat.” But he did anyway. It just didn't feel that long ago. Nothing feels that long ago when you're alone every day.

_She was never around anyway_, he thought, _and she was unfaithful... but... _

Nobody likes to be alone. Nobody deserves to. That's all he wanted—to not be alone.

Lucilia finally closed the instant messenger in favor of finally digging into the instant noodles that had long gone cold. They were mediocre.

He typed in the url to Dr. Habit's website and now stared at the blank page. The site had been gone since Lucilia got home from the Habitat, but for some reason every now and again he felt compelled to check up on it.

Three months ago, the concept of “Dr. Habit” had given Lucilia so much hope. He had stumbled across the website from what honestly looked like a spam email, though it piqued his curiosity enough to open it. It was such an eccentric little webpage, advertising the doctor who would “take away your frown make you smile.” It just... seemed so personal. It came at just the right time. Lucilia was always prone to crushing on and idolizing just about anyone who so much as promised to be nice to him. He didn't expect that he would be the one playing smile doctor with all the other “Habiticians.” He didn't expect Dr. Habit would be so.. unhinged.

But that's the way life has always been—helping everyone else and going home to an empty apartment; a lonely life where the only “friends” he ever had were people who'd eventually take advantage of his kind nature and leave.

He didn't want to believe Boris Habit would do the same to him—in fact, from everything Lucilia had learned, it seemed like Habit had faced a similar life—but it had been three months since saving the doctor from his own downward spiral and leaving him with an email address and Habit's unfulfilled promise to “stay in touch.”

Having finished his meal, Lucilia let out a sigh as he closed the webpage and opened up the final item to check sadly before slugging off to bed—his email. For someone so sad, he sure couldn't let go of certain petty hopes.

He stared blankly as the screen slowly loaded.

His eyes widened.

There was 1 new email, from Boris Habit, sent earlier today.

Lucilia's hand trembled immediately against the mouse, scrambling to get the cursor over the email and open it.

“_**Subject: **hey its me! :-D _

_hellow fly!!! _

_im soree for tanking so lonmg to get bak to u. i hav been busie with many thimgs. If you still wam t to meat up sometibe, i would like to tell u all about it! i wuld also lov 2 hear how you''ve been aswell!! pleas let me know! i miss you. :-) _

_From: me. (boris habit)” _

The young man's heart was pounding. His head was swimming with both excitement and anxiety. He was hoping all this time for an email like this to appear, but now that he was looking at it... he questioned how much of a good idea it was to humor this man in any way. There was no sure way to know if Habit really changed at all and if he was safe to be around, especially with no update for months and suddenly a vague, yet chipper email.

Lucilia pursed his lips and inhaled slowly, fidgeting with his hair. Everything that had happened was flashing through his mind like a movie on fast forward. Habit had taunted, degraded, and harmed Lucilia... But Habit was ill. Terribly ill. He needed help since he was 10 and spent 27 more years without any. Lucilia didn't start getting the care _he _needed either until he was in his twenties, and even present day, he was still struggling with depression and other mental health afflictions. It's not easy for anyone. It really isn't.

Lucilia was fixated on the words, “I miss you.” He knew he was blushing, and he knew it was stupid to do so, but they're words he didn't exactly hear a lot.

He _was _curious to know what Habit could have been up to all this time.

_It's fine, _Lucilia thought, _we'll meet in a public place. He can't do anything. I'll just... feel it out. _He wiped his sweaty palms on the sleeves of his shirt in preparation to type a response.

“_Hi Dr. Habit, _

_I'm glad you saved my email I was getting worried you lost it haha _

_I've been okay, yeah I would really like to hang out somewhere and catch up. There's a pretty decent coffee shop not too far from where I live in the city. If you don't mind coming out this far I mean _

_let me know when you're available. I work part time so I have a few days off ahead of me this week _

_talk to you soon_

_-Lucilia _

Sent.

Finally acknowledging it was past midnight, Lucilia left his computer to get ready for bed—which was just brushing his teeth and clearing the day's snack residue off the mattress really, since he'd spent the entire day in his PJ's. Before getting into bed though, he paused for a while, lost in thought, until he trudged through the mess of dirty clothes on the floor to get to the closet. He cleared away the months worth of clutter that had accumulated on top of a cardboard box he hadn't opened since he'd gotten back from the Habitat. Opening it now, he shuffled through its contents, reacquainting himself with them all one by one.

It contained all the pages of Habit's diary Lucilia had collected, along with the under exposed Polaroid photo of Habit, and of course, the labcoat Lucilia had scavenged from the trash and wore from the moment he found it until finally shedding it when he returned to his apartment after the Big Event.

It smelled just as offensive as ever—like garbage and laughing gas. The worst part wasn't that though, but rather all the stains of blood all over the front that were spilled when Habit performed his little “operation.” It just seemed pointless to try to wash it at all. In a way it also felt pointless to keep it, but sometimes bad memories are just as difficult to let go as good ones.

He remembered the sight of Habit above him grinning sinisterly, and the pain and the tears, and fighting against the restraints.

He also remembered pushing Habit forcefully against the glass window and then, Habit beckoning Lucilia to push him again, off the balcony, to end it all. Instead, Lucilia showed Habit the lily.

Everything that happened there—the Habitat, Martha, the Big Event—it was all some horrible, elaborate suicide note when it came down to it. As traumatizing as it all was, Lucilia couldn't help but still feel sorry for how traumatizing it must have been for Habit to get to that point, and to reconcile with what he had done.

At least, hopefully he had. Hopefully he was different now.

After returning the items to their box, Lucilia flopped into bed. He simply lied exactly where he landed, face down, and watched his memory flashback play over and over until eventually falling asleep.

–


End file.
